Blogimore.com

The stock market is crashing. Credit is drying up. Gas is flirting with $4 a gallon and oil is over $100 a barrel. Natural disasters are incinerating our forests, flooding our heartland and destroying our coastline. World opinion of the U.S. is at an all-time low. Global temperatures continue to climb. But my friends, there is an issue that is far worse and more devastating, even though it goes largely unmentioned. People are simply too uncomfortable to talk about it. That problem is the epidemic of take out and fast food restaurants providing too few napkins with their orders. If you are lucky, you might get two napkins. When you ask for more, the cashier will look around to see if his boss is watching and then maybe slip you two more. What’s worse is that the quality of the napkins are increasingly inferior.

I’m a big guy with a big appetite, but tragically suffer from a modest-size mouth and an obsessive need to stay neat and clean. Having to suffer through this famine of scarce, but flimsy napkins is nothing short of a crisis. I know, I know, paper napkins kill trees and fill landfills. But tell me, how can you enjoy sitting under a tree if your mouth is soiled with grease and ketchup from that last bite of Big Mac?

We simply can’t wait another day to let this problem continue to fester. We must stand up and organize an online grassroots effort to end this problem plaguing our society. Write your member of Congress. Petition your local Taco Bell. If necessary, boycott Sonic until this problem has been solved. If not for me, if not for yourselves, do it for the children. I dream of the day when The Boy can drive through Whataburger and be given a large handful of napkins, use two or three, and then throw the rest away. If we are all strong, we can make it happen. I believe in you, Internet. I believe in America. Don’t let me down. USA! USA! USA!

Tags: fall of western civilization, napkins, outrage, The Boy